Pride, Humility, & Accepting Charity
I am a people-pleaser at heart. In the healthiest sense, I enjoy helping others in their time of need. It brings me joy to see someone happy or relieved by offering a helping hand. It is important that the needs of others come before our own, as St. Paul talks about this in his letter to the Church of Philippi (Phil. 2:4). This does not mean, however, that we never attend to our own needs at all. As a people-pleaser, attending to my needs and allowing others to attend to them is rather frustrating and unsettling.
Christmas brings out the helpful side of me in a unique way. This past Advent Season, I was looking forward to serving at St. Matthew’s at the midnight Mass and on Christmas morning; to helping the family with Christmas dinner preparations and gift wrapping and more. This past Christmas, however, I wasn’t able to serve anywhere with anyone.
I began to feel under the weather just days before Christmas. I figured it was just minor symptoms due to the winter season–i.e. a bad cough, on and off headaches, etc. By the end of the 23rd, I felt more physically exhausted and could hardly sleep. I still managed to wake up and head to my parents’ to help prepare Christmas breakfast on the 24th. Throughout the day, I felt pushed to my limits even in minimal tasks, and yet, I still pushed myself to be a servant. My body took a beating and I left home early as a result. I took my temperature and surprisingly had a 101 fever, so Midnight Mass was out. The following morning on Christmas Day, I tested positive for COVID-19. And so, the long haul of isolation began. I stayed home for nearly a week and a half, barely able to get out of bed as my body fought the virus. I felt helpless as I could barely muster up the energy to say Morning and Evening Prayer.
Throughout the week, however, various acts of charity were bestowed on me from family and friends. My family bought me medicine and food throughout the week, my roommate made me homemade chicken soup multiple times, my girlfriend called to check in from the midwest, and much more. Despite the help, I felt that I was being lazy: that I had to be productive, and that I had to do everything myself to prove that I could. Despite trying, my body wouldn’t allow me to be physically productive, as my fever and side effects progressed. Upon request, Fr. Hayden delivered holy communion a few days after Christmas. I felt that, despite my illness, I was in no place to request communion. He arrived and spoke kindly to me, reassuring me that the anointing of the sick has no time-limit and that my act of requesting help was a brave one.
I had to sit with all of this as I was resting. Never before in my life had I been cared for so much on a daily basis. Bringing this to God was a challenge because 1) I felt as if I was using my sickness as an excuse for laziness; and 2) because no one has cared for my needs that deeply, I felt like I was overbearing to them.
When we read about the various teachings and acts of Christ in helping the poor and sick, we tend to see ourselves more as the helper than the needy. How often do we see ourselves as the one who is hungry, or is thirsty, or sick? Hardly, I assume. When we are the one that needs ministering to, are we willing to humble ourselves in accepting the charity and love from our neighbor? Or are we being stubborn in our hearts?
Pride is at the root of every sin, but sometimes it can be mistaken for humility. We may think that our denial of help or charity is humble and glorifying to God when, in reality, it can be selfish and prideful. To deny the charity of our neighbors out of pride and stubbornness is to deny the very care that God is giving us through his Church. How can we expect to serve others if we ourselves don’t understand what it means to be served?
While this Advent Season was not what I expected, nor what I wanted, it was what I needed. It revealed the pride that I have, the depth of overworking, the dangers of denying rest, and the slippery slope of self-pity. I often will tell loved ones that are suffering that they need rest, they need to recover, and to not be afraid to ask for help. This time, it was my turn: and boy, did I eat my own words. Was having COVID for the second time annoying, especially during Christmas? Absolutely. Was it worth enduring to see God’s provision through others in new ways? Absolutely.