Shall I Compare Thee

Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, “God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess”. 

And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, “God be merciful to me a sinner”. Lk 18:9-14

At the heart of the problem with comparing oneself with other people is that it is mostly about ‘me,’ “God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are,” and the other tends to be not a person but an invention of my own self. No one is wholly an extortioner, unjust, adulterer, or loan shark. Rather, one extorts, has acted unjustly, committed adultery, or charged exorbitant interest. That same person might also have given to charity, loved their children, fought for their country, what have you. We are all a swirling mess of conflicts and contradictions, of pious sentiments mixed with hypocritical justifications for our base desires.

When we compare ourselves to others, the other becomes a canvas on which we paint our own hopes, longings, and failures onto. When we compare ourselves to others, they cease to be persons and instead become idols, false images which bare only the faintest likeness to the real thing.

To overcome our tendency to compare, and the jealousy, envy, and covetousness which soon follow, we must first begin with recognizing our false image of the other. We start by developing what Martin Buber called the ‘I-Thou’ relationship with others. When we compare ourselves with others, we turn them into an ‘It,’ an impersonal object. Instead, we have to strive to see others as ‘Thou,’ the intimate person with whom to relate to. Taking others as they really are, having an intimate relationship, requires you to let go of your self-regard because only by forgetting about oneself can one be wholly and fully themselves.

But another trap inherent in comparing ourselves is that the ‘other’ we are comparing ourselves to is a false image of ourselves. I don’t have X, Y, or Z but I’m supposed to have those things, I’m meant to have those things. I’m supposed to be successful, wealthy, or people are supposed to listen to what I have to say.  We compare ourselves to others as a means of defining ourselves by what we aren’t. The Pharisee in Jesus’s parable looks at these other, obvious sinners and concludes, ‘they aren’t me, therefore I must be righteous.’ We can obviously see the flaw in his logic, their sins have no bearing on his own, but less obvious is when we commit the same fallacy, ‘that political party believes X, we believe Y and I am obviously good and altruistic, therefore they must be not only wrong but evil.’ This flaw exists even in our own Church where for too long Anglican Catholics defined themselves by what they were not than by what they are. The ‘I-Thou’ relationship requires an ‘I’ that understands itself and accepts itself for what it is.

The next step is to rid oneself of the desire for things, from possessions to intangible somethings like acceptance or acclaim. These can only be rid by giving of oneself, wholly and complete in service of others.

Thus, emptied of the need for possessing thing it ironically frees oneself to receive everything. You receive everything, most especially the grace of God, which is not something one possesses but instead, constantly receives, it pouring into our souls and filling them, so overabundant that we can then be a source of grace to others.

But these are the goals to which the spiritual life are pointed. The beginning is simply to try. Be conscious of your comparisons and pray for the strength to let go of them. Try and see others as they really are, their true selves and try to love them as such. Let go of your need possess, start with small acts of fasting, give generously, and most importantly, thank God, not for what you have but for His love for you.